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Cowboy Up

“Cowboy Up” -make a determined effort to overcome an Obstacle or deal with a difficult situation.

With the Death of my father, I found myself in a place I had Never been before. Alone. Yes I had family, 2 Loving sisters and a dedicated Mother, but my father was my Rock. Always there whenever I needed anything. Anything. There was nothing he Never gave me that I didn’t ask for. Yes he’d complain, but then he gave it to Me anyway. On a Silver Platter. My Mother would always tell him , save the lecture, you know, and everybody knows you are going to give it to him eventually, so just give it to him now. This didn’t sit too well with my sisters, who would always have to work for what they needed, and Never complained about It. I was too blind too see it even though everybody else saw it. In the long run it made them Independent and Very Strong Woman, and for that I’m happy they turned out that way. Having Lost Everything to Addiction, and now the Death of my father, I had 2 routes to take. Continue Spiraling out of control and delve deeper into my insanity or man up and become the man I’m capable of. I chose Insanity. My father died March 5th 2014 and I got Sober July 14th 2014. I vaguely remember anything that happened those 4 months. I went on Sex and drug and alcohol binge seeing if I can get it out of my system. But with every girl and every drink and snort I just craved more and more. The Devil had me. From the day my father was diagnosed with Leukemia to the day We buried him, I was high on cocaine. So if some of you are struggling with Guilt, take a moment to comprehend what I just confessed. You are not alone. Our stories or horrible and depressing but you can overcome. I do not remember saying good bye to my dad. My sister said I did, but I remember it in a dream like state. Not really convinced it happened. I will say I remember him telling me to take care of my mom and sisters then staring at me with his piercing Green eyes for what seemed like an eternity Before I responded, High on cocaine; “yes sir”..Try Living with that? Clean and Sober? For the rest of your Life? When before all I wanted to do was numb my pain, now I embrace it fully. It’s become part of me and I feed Off it. It’s gives me Strength and Determination and solidifies my motto to Satan and my Haters “You will NEVER BEAT me”! Months before, knowing he was about to die, my dad finally had a talk with me. He told me everything he should of told me decades before. I will not repeat what he said but it hurt. But it was necessary. Having cut me off completely financially, I stole from Him. How bad was my Addiction? I stole from a Loving father dying from Leukemia!A man who Gave me Everything! Top that!! My Living Hell...My Regret and Cross to bear.

The day I decided enough was enough and I had my Miracle in my dad’s Den and my unsuccessful Suicide attempt, I told myself Satan does exist. There really is Evil in the World. Satan and Addiction had a grip on me no one could Help me break free But Our Lord Jesus Christ. The Pain and Suffering I endured while addicted and out of control will be etched in my memories for Eternity. But it‘s a reminder of where I’ve been and a reminder that I must stay Strong and be myself. I know who I am! I know the bad I’m capable of but I also know what Good I’m capable of. I’ve been Clean and Sober now 6 1/2 years. I’m a better Son to my Mom. A better brother to my Sisters, A better friend, and a better Person to myself! I am My Father’s Son! I created a new ME. A New Life, Job, Lifestyle and TRUST in Our LORD. I was reborn. I will not feel Sorry for my-self! I do regret my past but I will not let it Define my FUTURE. I will do whatever it takes to succeed and make up for my sins. I will understand their will be people who will Judge me but I will only accept God‘s Judgement! I welcome criticism but rest assured I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I’m proud of the man I’ve become. What I have Overcome. I’m a Warrior and there’s nothing that will stand in my way to Honor My name and my Father.

So if you have doubts and feel you are beyond redemption, want to get clean and sober but don’t feel worthy ?? read my story! YOU CONTROL THE ENDING.

Cowboy UP

God Bless

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